Billy Bull-elk says:

ANOTHER WASHED OUT SEASON

As it turned out I didn't get to go elk hunting this year. Dickidoo screwed up his back and wasn't up to hiking through the woods and mountains with me. Nor was he too thrilled about the prospect of dragging out a bull elk if I were to shoot one.

So we stayed home instead. yay.

Fortunately his back was somewhat healed by the following weekend and he was able to go out with his buddies for some duck and coyote hunting.

Hmmmm.... alrighty then!

ELK CAMP

Dickidoo is going to elk camp up in the high country. I won't be going. It's a guy thing. He and his BS Buddies (BS means exactly what you think it means...) will be gone for almost 2 weeks. My sister-in-law (his baby sister) is indignant for me. I am not.

The way I see it, while he's out in the woods climbing up mountains and cliffs, huddling in a crowded tent with 3 other hunters who by the end of the excursion will not have bathed in 10 days, farting chili and burping beans... I shall have the queen sized Serta to myself. I can take long hot showers without interruption. I can sleep through the night without being awakened by the suffocating stench of his flatulations.

I think it's safe to say that I'm just about as excited about elk camp as he is. In fact I think I might even help him pack!

"Take lots of clean wool socks and some extra blankets Sweetie..." (we wouldn't want you to have to come home early because it was too cold!)

HOME ON THE RANGE

Prickly Pear Cactus

Do you remember that old campfire song, Home on the Range: 
Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam
Where the deer and the antelope play...

Hello!?  Who wrote that song?  Were they nuts?  This is where the deer and the antelope play, and its covered with fricken cactus!  This is not what I want in the front yard of MY  home, thanks but no thanks!  You can't run barefoot or roll around in it.  (trust me, I've tried!).  I think if I were never to see another cactus plant in my life I could still live a happy and content life.  In fact, to say that I hate cactus would probably be one of the biggest understatements of the year!

BUCK FEVER!

My son Zack bagged a 4x6 mule deer this morning.  It was his first buck, and quite a decent sized one.  I don't know who is prouder, Zack or his father!   I have to say Zack was a real trooper, he works until 1am, comes home, goes to bed, gets up to go out hunting at 4:30am, hunts until 11am and then has to be back at work by 4pm.   I don't know what he's happier about, getting a bigger buck than his dad, or being able to sleep in from now on.

 The neighbors are used to us bringing home big game and hanging it in the garage.  Being part of a big hunting community, the children flock over to point and giggle while the grown-ups trade stories.  Today the little girl from down the street and her younger sister showed up for the first time.  They were followed by their cat Toonces, who is no stranger to our yard, which it sees as a huge community litter box.  Thinking the cat wanted a closer look at the buck which was in the process of being skinned, the little neighbor girl scooped the cat up and held it closer.  The cat caught sight of the buck and absolutely freaked out!  I don't think that cat will be squatting in my yard ever again!

A HUNTIN' WE WILL GO

I tagged along with my husband and his friend this morning in search of the elusive bull elk.  There was no warm up period, no leisurely walk in the crisp morning air.  We went straight up, straight away!  And these guys were power walking with 3 foot strides in comparison to my 1½ foot stride.  After a while they would realize that I had fallen behind and they would wait.  Then, as soon as I would catch up with them, huffing and puffing like an asthmatic, they would take off again before I could even catch my breath.

The guys would whisper up ahead of me, making plans and pointing up.  They would never share their conversation and plans with me.  I think they were afraid I would protest too loudly.  They were, of course, correct because there is no quiet way to say 'Hell NO!'  Was it just me or was it uphill all the way, both ways?  I really hate 'up'.

Our friend is funny.  He has an alarm on his wristwatch.  Every hour on the hour it beeps.  Every hour on the hour the deer and elk knew exactly where we were.  I'm sure they appreciated it.

My husband got caught without toilet paper again.  Oh, he packed it this morning, but left it in the truck.  He asked me if I had it.  Well, no, he packed it, not me.  He asked me if I had the pack of tissue I gave him last week.  Well, no, I gave that to him last weekend.  I ended up giving him a bandana to shred.  Will he ever learn?  Nah, probably not.

Ugh, chola!  I hate chola.  I've created a new game.  Its called 'chola limbo', except there is no bar to shimmie under.  In this version the object of the game is to see who can get the closest to a chola cactus without being stuck.  I lost every single time.  I really REALLY hate chola!

One more day left for archery.  For my friend's sake I hope he doesn't walk up on a big bull or buck right on the hour.  Beep beep!

FALL TURKEY SEASON

You get up in the morning, o'dark hundred, and dress in your Real Tree Mossy Oak Advantage jeans and turtleneck. Its fall turkey season and you're ready.   You want to be able to blend into your surroundings like a ghost.  You drive out to the field where the roost tree stands.  But before walking out to find a good spot to set up, you don your vest and hat.  A short hike and you are smack dab in the middle of turkey territory.  The woods are just beginning to wake up and you are almost twitchy with anticipation.  Slowly, almost teasingly, the sun rises and bathes the woodlands with its warm glow.  You are motionless, you are one with the woods.

Dude, you have a fricken flourescent orange vest on!  You almost glow in the dark.  The only thing you'll blend into is a pumpkin patch. 

Whats un-be-fricken-lievable is the fact that he actually got his turkey a couple of hours after this picture was shot.  Trust me, it wasn't because he blended into his surroundings.  Those turkey probably saw him coming a mile away!  If anything they came closer to get a better look at the Great Pumpkin.

GONE HUNTIN'

My husband went hunting this morning.  He had the day off and instead of spending it with me, taking me around to get some pictures... he went out to buddy up with a friend who had a spring turkey tag.  I have been itching to get 'downrange' for some shots, and when it finally opens up and he has the day off.... he goes out with a friend instead.  Whats up with that?

There's something about the guy that keeps him in high demand during the various hunting seasons.  This man is very adament about wearing the proper clothing, no jewelry, no perfumes, no make up, nothing that will make un-natural noises or scents.  His sence of hearing is amazing, he prides himself for being able to hear a mouse fart at 300 yards... that I'm sure is an exaduration, but probably not by much.  Funny thing is... he sounds like an elephant walking through the woods, he seems to kick every rock and snap every branch, but goodness knows if someone with him does, he'll turn with an exasperated look on his face and motion for silence.  He uses special laundry soap for his hunting clothes, he has earth scented body wash and shampoo.  Once he even bought some deer pee to cover his scent (I went totally balistic when I found the little spray bottle in the frige with our food!  He's not brought home any since then). 

With all this ultra-careful attention to mask his scent and blend in... he still brushes his teeth with Cool Mint Crest.  Now just because mint is a natural scent I don't think it would blend in with the woodland fragrances.  AND.... I swear there's something about the outdoors that does something to his internal organs because he cannot hold anything in.  He's either peeing, pooping or farting every couple of miles along the trail.  My husband says that its a natural smell which is why he can get away with emparting his odor in the woods without spooking the animals.  Oh, I've no doubt they smell him alright, I think they just all rush upwind to get away from the stench, which unfortunately for them puts them right infront of him.  I won't do it in the woods.  I'm too paranoid about squatting over a rattlesnake, which is something my husband has actually done by the way... click here for the story... or getting caught with my pants down by a bear, or even worse... other hunters! 

So anyhow, I'm pouting today.  I really REALLY want to take my new camera down range, where the deer and the antelope play.... And the elk, and the eagles, and the beavers, and the badgers, and the turkeys........  If anyone could get me up close enough to get some photographs of the local wildlife its my stinkin', noisy husband, who really is the best tracker I know... but who'd rather be out with his hunting buddies than his wife.  That is absolutely outrageous!

CABELAS, and a near disaster.

I finally got to go to Cabelas in February.... twice in fact.  Once on our way out to Ft. Knox, Kentucky, and then again on our way back home.  Was it worth the wait?  You betcha!  My husband spent way too much money there... and I let him!  Mostly because he bought me a window mount for my camera and some those really cool shot glasses I've been nagging him about for years.  So yes, I'm a happy camper at last!

I smell like elk sausage right now.  I smell good actually, its smoked summer sausage.  Mmmmmm.  We have 4 left of our orininal 28 sticks.  We have to get rid of them like NOW!  Want some?  I went out to the garage to get some burger from the freezer and discovered to my horror that the freezer chest had been unplugged.  It probably happened on Sunday when we had the extention cord running through for the power  washer.  Fortunately everything on the lower level was still frozen solid, but the two tubs we had on the top, and the last of our elk sausage, was thawed and we have to use it tonight or waste it... its too thawed to refreeze safely.  All I can say is... thank goodness I discovered it today, while it was still salvagable.  Can you imagine the mess I would have had later on in the week?

CABELAS!

My husband went to Cabelas
And all he bought for me was...
Bear Poo, Elk Doo
And Deer Doodles!

CABIN FEVER

Its been ages since I have been out in the woods and even though I was sick, I jumped at the opportunity to take a drive down-range with Steve.  We didn't have passes so we could only go so far, but that was fine with me, I needed to get out.  Once we got as far as we could drive, we got out to walk in.  Steve suggested that we take the road rather than to try hiking up the hill since I was still feeling the effects of the bug that had hit me during the week.  That was fine with me, I learned long ago to dread the mention of the word 'UP'.  It was a bad word in my book.  So we hiked along the road, crunching in the snow and ice.  The sun was warm, it was a beautiful New Year's day.  But then it happened, we ran out of road, and it was either go 'UP' or go back.  Steve suggested that we cut around to get 'HIGHER' so we could see better.  I wasn't ready to go back so I agreed.  We were half way up the cliff before I realized that 'HIGHER' was just another word for 'UP'.  Steve had tricked me!

So anyhow we're hiking up a hillside covered with snow, which is a good thing because had I known what was under the snow I would never have attempted to scale the mountain.  It was loose shale and  cactus!  And what wasn't covered with snow covered shale and cactus was covered with scrub-oak, which Steve pushed through and managed to hit me with the backlash every time.  I swear he was trying to hit me. 

And then it happened... almost simultaneously Steve motioned to be silent and still... and my nose started running.  And I'm not talking slow drip, I mean flash flood!  I wiped my nose with my glove and the finger quickly became soaked with snot.  I tried to sniff silently, but lets face it, when your sinuses decide to purge themselves, there's no delicate sniffs involved.  I had to resort to using the next finger of my glove, and then when it became staturated... the next. 

Finally I made the decision to pull out my tissue.  There is no camoflauge tissue... I was stuck with pure white that flashed like a flag in the woods, and I blew!  And the unthinkable happened... I ran out of room on the tissue!  I would have to get another one.  But what to do with the used one, now filled with phlegm?  I rolled it gently into a little package, careful not to crush it and cause seepage... and I placed it in my jacket pocket.  I did the same with the second, and then the third tissue.  I think that I must surely be allergic to elk because it never failed, every time we sneaked up on one, my nose would start running and it takes every ounce of will power not to suck it in and give away our presence.

We ended up going home without a clear sighting but that was okay because I thoroughly enjoy getting out, even if just to walk and look around.  I was a little preoccupied on the walk back though... I didn't want to absent mindedly stick my hand into my jacket pocket and squish the tissues full of snot!  I must have lost at least a pound in weight just in snot alone!

YOU MIGHT BE A HUNTING ADDICT IF....

* if you think the 4 seasons in the year are deer season, rabbit season, waterfowl season and turkey season.

* if you cheered for the hunter when Bambi's mother got shot.

* if your favorite cookbook is '101 Things to do with a Dead Duck'.

* if your favorite color is blaze orange.

* if you know how old your dog is but haven't got a clue how old your children are.

SHOPPING WITH THE HUSBAND

I went shopping for a walkie talkie to use at work.  My husband offered to go with me.  He suggested Specialty Sports because they have a lot of hunting supplies there and hunters use walkie talkies, right?  So, we go in and wouldn't you know, the first stop is ... those big fancy gun safes.  I leave him there and look for the walkie talkies.  My husband asks for me and we are informed that 1) they don't carry walkie talkies, and 2) I would need a license for a VHF.  Not for work I say, so long as I'm in the store.  Nope, the dude says, gotta have a license.  SO WHAT!?  You don't have any, so shut up and let me get out of here to find a real store that DOES have them!  But no, my husband has to have a clip installed on his pistol... AND he has to check out those room-sized gunsafes.  Mr. Information opens my husband's dream safe and gives him all the specs which has him drooling but I just roll my eyes.

Do you think all our guns will fit?  he asks.  Why does it matter?  If you don't have enough room you'll just buy another safe right?  And if you have too much room you'll just buy more guns until they don't fit, and then you'll have to buy another safe... right? 

The guy patted my husband on the shoulder and shook his head as if to say 'she's on to you man!'  and departed.  He knew he had lost the sale.

But honey, it matches the gumball machine!  my husband said in a last attempt to convince me that we had to have the wheel-less armoured car.  We actually managed to get out of there spending a whole paycheck, the the cost of the belt clip.  Thats a first for my husband, and I'm sure he didn't like it.  No doubt he'll get his 'fix' later on in the week when I'm not with him.

KINDERGARTEN MOM

This story took place shortly after we moved here from North Carolina.  My husband had taken my oldest boy out hunting and they had both taken down deer by mid morning.  They rounded up the rest of their little hunting group and as was already customary, everyone met back at our house.  The animals were laid on the driveway and we all got to work skinning them.  Suddenly I remembered the time.... it was time to pick my youngest son up from kindergarten.  I jumped into the jeep and took off for the school just as the kids were pouring from the double doors of the classroom.  I got out of the jeep and rushed over to the group of waiting parents.  Something pulled the hair of my arm and I looked down.  To my horror I saw that both arms were covered with blood!  I quickly stuck them behind my back, but it was too late.  Several parents were already stepping back with wide eyed stares.  My son skipped up to me and held out his backpack as I routinely carried it for him.  I told him to carry it and turned back quickly, making my way to the Cherokee.  A couple of parents had stopped a short distance from the vehicle and were staring at something on the rear of the jeep.  I quickly forgot that as I neared the jeep and saw a glint of wood on the roof.  My swearing began then and there.  I tried as discreetly as I could to remove the shotgun from the roof of the SUV with my bloodied hands and tossed it into the vehicle.  As I hurried around I saw what the parents had been looking at.... blood stains steaked down the rear bumper of the Jeep.  I just smiled, still cussing under my breath, and jumped into my car.  By the time I reached the house my voice was no longer subdued and I repeated every 4 letter word I had practiced on the way home... out loud for all the guys to hear!  I had never been so embarassed as I had been there, driving up with blood all over myself, with blood dripping off my car and a shotgun on the roof!  Tell you what though... nobody bothered my kids at school!  NOBODY!

WELCOME BUNNY-HUGGERS!

Its been a while since I last posted here.  I see the bunny-huggers have visited.  Sorry I missed them.  They don't find me funny, imagine that.  I've always wanted to ask them... if you don't like hunting, and you don't like the stories... why go to places like this?  And then after leaving a disapproving comment, end with 'Love'... whats with that?  Oh well, if it makes you feel better, come on back.  You may not find me and my stories amusing, but I on the other hand think you are very funny.

The Birds and the Bees talk

My husband and I knew there would come a day when the kids would inquire about the birds and the bees, so we came to an agreement.  He would handle the boys and I would take care of the girls.  Sooooo, when my oldest boy, who was about 6 or 7 at the time, asked what the difference between a boy deer and a girl deer was, naturally I sent him to ask his father.  And this is what Daddy had to say:

"Well son, you see, the boy deer has antlers, and the girl deer doesn't"

End of discussion.

DEER CAMP MENU

One thing I've never understood is why some hunters (my friends included) feel the sudden craving for sardines when they go hunting.  They spend all that money on trying to disguise their scent from their prey, and then they pop open a can of smelly sardines at lunchtime in the woods.  Yeah, I'm sure the deer think... "ah, its just some dead fish out there in the meadow, nothing to worry about, ain't no hunters nearby."  And canned chili or baked beans always seem to make it into the camper for the week long ordeal.  I always wondered about my husband's ability to bring home a deer or elk despite his gas and he explained that his farts are a natural odor and doesn't spook the animals.  I have my own theory, they just can't smell cos his gas will run me out of the house in 2 seconds flat!  As for his 'marking the trail', well, thats another hoot.  I swear he can't go 30 minutes without peeing or taking a dump along the trail.  He claims this helps to drive the animals right where he wants them to go.  Now there could be some truth to that one because I will avoid the bathroom at all costs after he's been in there warming the porcelain for more than a minute.

Recipe of the Day, Road Jerky

ROAD JERKY

Peel day old carcass from road.  (I keep a spatcula and some heavy duty freezer ziploc bags in the car just in case).  The best time to harvest is late morning.  If you wait too long the flies will take over.  Let carcass age a little in bag to loosen skin and then peel skin off.  Remove bones.  Add choice of seasonings.  Set out to dry in sun but keep out of reach from flies and dogs.  After curing in the sun for 48 hours test for doneness.  If meat is too tough, throw back on road and run over with truck a few times until you reach the desired tenderness. Note:  avoid carcasses with black fur and white stripe down center.

Camo-fashion

Every where you look now days you'll see camoflauge.  They got camoflauge shirts, camoflauge pants, they even have camoflauge drawers and bras.  Huh?  Now what you gonna do with camoflauge underwear?  Can't recall a single time I was sneaking through the woods in my underwear thinking "man, this would be great if my underwear was camoflauge so's nothing could see me."  Okay wait, there was a time I was in Denver at midnight without a restroom in sight and had to make use of a natural alternative, and I suppose camoflauge may have come in handy... but you still got to pull them things down and theres no hiding a big white butt in the bushes in the middle of downtown Denver!

Kids wear camoflauge to school, and then slouch down in their seats so the teachers don't see them and ask questions.  Don't have the heart to tell them mossy oak only works in the woods.  You need a woodgrain-desk camo to fade into a classroom. 

Saw a Hummer painted Camo.  I yelled out to the driver, 'Hey stupid, your camoflauge don't work on the freeway.... I SEE YOU!'.  Why do you suppose someone would do that, get their vehicle painted camoflauge.  You know dang well that guy won't be driving that 50 thousand dollar truck into the woods to watch his little car-theater.  Might get it scratched or dirty.  Or worse yet, if he walks away from it he may never find it because the camoflauge paint will just blend into the woods.

I think camoflauge is way over rated anyhow.  Here where I hunt you can wear camoflauge, but just incase you blend in too well and the critters can't see you, they make you wear a bright fluorescent blaze orange.  Never realized how silly it was until one day while I was waiting on a ridge for legal shooting time.  As the sun came up I saw all across the meadow and valley.... and it looked like a pumpkin patch!  You couldn't see the hunters cos they were all wearing camoflauge, but you could sure see their blaze orange vest and hats.  Its no wonder nobody shot anything there that morning.  All the elk were on the other ridge shaking their antlers, yelling "Hey dummies, your camo don't work!  I SEE YOU!"

Weird things hunters do.

When we first moved to Colorado my husband was so excited about the prospect of hunting elk and the great mule deer that he went out and bought all that junk they sell to help hunters' odds of bagging an animal.  (they were more interested in helping hunters empty their wallets if you ask me, but nobody asked me so I'm not saying nothing).  Among the hunting aids he brought home was a little 6oz bottle of doe urine.  Now I wasn't sure I was reading this right so I asked Steve about it and he confirmed that yes, he had in fact just paid $7.99 for a little bottle of deer pee.  That comes out to $170 a gallon!  Deer pee for $170 a gallon, are they nuts?  Its PEE!  Heck, if I knew he wanted pee that bad I would have given him some of mine in a cup for just $5, and there's plenty more where that came from!

He also bought some of those camoflauge outfits.  Thing is, the folks that made the print are from the southeast where there are trees and grass and stuff.  He looked like a grassy, leafy green hill that got picked up from the south by a tornado and dumped in the middle of a desert full of rocks and cactus.  It would take several washings before he blended in with his surroundings.

I think the funniest things I've heard of was from my favorite Women Hunter's board.  We were discussing scent cover-uppers and one lady said she used panty liners dabbed with deer scent (probably that $170 a gallon deer pee) on the bottom of her boots to leave a scent trail.  Another lady mentioned dipping tampons (unused of course) into the scent and tying them to trees and bushes along the trail.  Hmmm, thats one thing I would NOT want to see hanging from a tree while walking through the woods.  But they are tried and true methods and I'm not knocking them. 

My biggest pet peeve with my husband is his need to buy a new gun for every different species he hunts.  He got a shotgun for shooting ducks but wouldn't you know, it wasn't good enough for geese so naturally he needed to get a good goose gun.  Then his deer rifle was fine for deer in the field, but not for deer on the hill, so he had to get a deer on the hill gun.  And elk, well, they're a bigger animal so he needed a more powerful rifle, which he got but it was only good for shots within a 300 yard range.  He still needed an elk rifle for getting those elk standing on the far meadow there in the next state... and a good scope to go with it.  So he got a highpowered scope to go with his highpowered rifle, and his first shot wouldn't you know, was a 35 yard shot that was too close for the scope so he had to aim down the side of the rifle!  Amazing!  Simply amazing!