SHOPPING WITH THE HUSBAND

I went shopping for a walkie talkie to use at work.  My husband offered to go with me.  He suggested Specialty Sports because they have a lot of hunting supplies there and hunters use walkie talkies, right?  So, we go in and wouldn't you know, the first stop is ... those big fancy gun safes.  I leave him there and look for the walkie talkies.  My husband asks for me and we are informed that 1) they don't carry walkie talkies, and 2) I would need a license for a VHF.  Not for work I say, so long as I'm in the store.  Nope, the dude says, gotta have a license.  SO WHAT!?  You don't have any, so shut up and let me get out of here to find a real store that DOES have them!  But no, my husband has to have a clip installed on his pistol... AND he has to check out those room-sized gunsafes.  Mr. Information opens my husband's dream safe and gives him all the specs which has him drooling but I just roll my eyes.

Do you think all our guns will fit?  he asks.  Why does it matter?  If you don't have enough room you'll just buy another safe right?  And if you have too much room you'll just buy more guns until they don't fit, and then you'll have to buy another safe... right? 

The guy patted my husband on the shoulder and shook his head as if to say 'she's on to you man!'  and departed.  He knew he had lost the sale.

But honey, it matches the gumball machine!  my husband said in a last attempt to convince me that we had to have the wheel-less armoured car.  We actually managed to get out of there spending a whole paycheck, the the cost of the belt clip.  Thats a first for my husband, and I'm sure he didn't like it.  No doubt he'll get his 'fix' later on in the week when I'm not with him.

KINDERGARTEN MOM

This story took place shortly after we moved here from North Carolina.  My husband had taken my oldest boy out hunting and they had both taken down deer by mid morning.  They rounded up the rest of their little hunting group and as was already customary, everyone met back at our house.  The animals were laid on the driveway and we all got to work skinning them.  Suddenly I remembered the time.... it was time to pick my youngest son up from kindergarten.  I jumped into the jeep and took off for the school just as the kids were pouring from the double doors of the classroom.  I got out of the jeep and rushed over to the group of waiting parents.  Something pulled the hair of my arm and I looked down.  To my horror I saw that both arms were covered with blood!  I quickly stuck them behind my back, but it was too late.  Several parents were already stepping back with wide eyed stares.  My son skipped up to me and held out his backpack as I routinely carried it for him.  I told him to carry it and turned back quickly, making my way to the Cherokee.  A couple of parents had stopped a short distance from the vehicle and were staring at something on the rear of the jeep.  I quickly forgot that as I neared the jeep and saw a glint of wood on the roof.  My swearing began then and there.  I tried as discreetly as I could to remove the shotgun from the roof of the SUV with my bloodied hands and tossed it into the vehicle.  As I hurried around I saw what the parents had been looking at.... blood stains steaked down the rear bumper of the Jeep.  I just smiled, still cussing under my breath, and jumped into my car.  By the time I reached the house my voice was no longer subdued and I repeated every 4 letter word I had practiced on the way home... out loud for all the guys to hear!  I had never been so embarassed as I had been there, driving up with blood all over myself, with blood dripping off my car and a shotgun on the roof!  Tell you what though... nobody bothered my kids at school!  NOBODY!

WELCOME BUNNY-HUGGERS!

Its been a while since I last posted here.  I see the bunny-huggers have visited.  Sorry I missed them.  They don't find me funny, imagine that.  I've always wanted to ask them... if you don't like hunting, and you don't like the stories... why go to places like this?  And then after leaving a disapproving comment, end with 'Love'... whats with that?  Oh well, if it makes you feel better, come on back.  You may not find me and my stories amusing, but I on the other hand think you are very funny.

The Birds and the Bees talk

My husband and I knew there would come a day when the kids would inquire about the birds and the bees, so we came to an agreement.  He would handle the boys and I would take care of the girls.  Sooooo, when my oldest boy, who was about 6 or 7 at the time, asked what the difference between a boy deer and a girl deer was, naturally I sent him to ask his father.  And this is what Daddy had to say:

"Well son, you see, the boy deer has antlers, and the girl deer doesn't"

End of discussion.

DEER CAMP MENU

One thing I've never understood is why some hunters (my friends included) feel the sudden craving for sardines when they go hunting.  They spend all that money on trying to disguise their scent from their prey, and then they pop open a can of smelly sardines at lunchtime in the woods.  Yeah, I'm sure the deer think... "ah, its just some dead fish out there in the meadow, nothing to worry about, ain't no hunters nearby."  And canned chili or baked beans always seem to make it into the camper for the week long ordeal.  I always wondered about my husband's ability to bring home a deer or elk despite his gas and he explained that his farts are a natural odor and doesn't spook the animals.  I have my own theory, they just can't smell cos his gas will run me out of the house in 2 seconds flat!  As for his 'marking the trail', well, thats another hoot.  I swear he can't go 30 minutes without peeing or taking a dump along the trail.  He claims this helps to drive the animals right where he wants them to go.  Now there could be some truth to that one because I will avoid the bathroom at all costs after he's been in there warming the porcelain for more than a minute.

Recipe of the Day, Road Jerky

ROAD JERKY

Peel day old carcass from road.  (I keep a spatcula and some heavy duty freezer ziploc bags in the car just in case).  The best time to harvest is late morning.  If you wait too long the flies will take over.  Let carcass age a little in bag to loosen skin and then peel skin off.  Remove bones.  Add choice of seasonings.  Set out to dry in sun but keep out of reach from flies and dogs.  After curing in the sun for 48 hours test for doneness.  If meat is too tough, throw back on road and run over with truck a few times until you reach the desired tenderness. Note:  avoid carcasses with black fur and white stripe down center.

Camo-fashion

Every where you look now days you'll see camoflauge.  They got camoflauge shirts, camoflauge pants, they even have camoflauge drawers and bras.  Huh?  Now what you gonna do with camoflauge underwear?  Can't recall a single time I was sneaking through the woods in my underwear thinking "man, this would be great if my underwear was camoflauge so's nothing could see me."  Okay wait, there was a time I was in Denver at midnight without a restroom in sight and had to make use of a natural alternative, and I suppose camoflauge may have come in handy... but you still got to pull them things down and theres no hiding a big white butt in the bushes in the middle of downtown Denver!

Kids wear camoflauge to school, and then slouch down in their seats so the teachers don't see them and ask questions.  Don't have the heart to tell them mossy oak only works in the woods.  You need a woodgrain-desk camo to fade into a classroom. 

Saw a Hummer painted Camo.  I yelled out to the driver, 'Hey stupid, your camoflauge don't work on the freeway.... I SEE YOU!'.  Why do you suppose someone would do that, get their vehicle painted camoflauge.  You know dang well that guy won't be driving that 50 thousand dollar truck into the woods to watch his little car-theater.  Might get it scratched or dirty.  Or worse yet, if he walks away from it he may never find it because the camoflauge paint will just blend into the woods.

I think camoflauge is way over rated anyhow.  Here where I hunt you can wear camoflauge, but just incase you blend in too well and the critters can't see you, they make you wear a bright fluorescent blaze orange.  Never realized how silly it was until one day while I was waiting on a ridge for legal shooting time.  As the sun came up I saw all across the meadow and valley.... and it looked like a pumpkin patch!  You couldn't see the hunters cos they were all wearing camoflauge, but you could sure see their blaze orange vest and hats.  Its no wonder nobody shot anything there that morning.  All the elk were on the other ridge shaking their antlers, yelling "Hey dummies, your camo don't work!  I SEE YOU!"